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| wow who knew i would ever come back to write in this again
ill probably write pretty often now, dont know if any of it will make sense but its my thoughts
im in college. its pretty good, some days i love it some days i cry. i dont sleep much so nothing really seems real, kind of feel like a bystander in all of this. i think people are dumb and the words that come out of a lot of peoples mouth i cringe .. so i just listen to music.
i smoke weed everyday multiple times. i get really paranoid. i miss my own room i could just smoke in. now i have to go outside in public which makes me freak out. so i think im going to stop smoking
i want to be nothing
and everything to you
i want to look as disturbed as i feel
walking dead..
so i guess i will write my intakes so i can keep track.. hm
today:
8:45 - i had 2 pretzel sticks, about 70 calories.
12:30 - i had 2 cups of black coffee, a salad, a diet coke, and some other random fruit/vegetables. so full after. i am going to say it was 300..which is probably way over. i want to over shoot by alot just incase..
so yeah..thats about it.. now im just chillin..no more class..
sometimes i wish i was a squirrel so i could hibernate for the winter. | | |
| it seems like i only write in here when im upset or angry or something bad is going on so i thought i should write here all the time so you kind of get to know who i am....today is okay. pretty good. i mean as good as it could be.
i am pretty weak these days though ... too weak to smile. but i do it anyways. i try atleast...everyone asks whats wrong.
but i feel i am pretty happy...
everythings getting more intense but easier if that makes sense...
i go to the gym and run 5 miles EVERY day no exception after school (i go around 5 because i get home at 4 30).
my routine EVERY day is:
wake up at 6, make coffee. get ready for school.
walk to the bus stop 1/2 mile away and have breakfast on the way: half of a fiber one bar, which is 75 calories. and diet coke.
i go through school. like a zombie. try to laugh with my friends..i think they are really shallow. they only talk about people.
i am moving in 1 month though so i will grin and bare it until then.
at lunch i have a salad with vinegar dressing stuff. my salad has 2 egg whites, a few baby tomatoes, and sometimes corn....i honestly have no idea how much calories but i figure 150 if i add corn....it might be less but id rather round up.
go through the rest of school......
then i take the bus home which is about 1 hour from my house..so i get home from 4-430 usually.. depends on traffic.
i have an apple.
then i walk 1/2 mile to the gym.
i go on for 30 minutes atleast, which is 300 calories burnt. around 5 miles or so.
then i walk home..another 1/2 mile.
i get home, i shower and change. i never do my homework. i am a senior and i just dont care. not that i ever cared before i was a senior. oh well. i hang out with my mom, i love her to death and i love my dog. sometimes we take him for a walk but usually we jsut chill out with some coffee...while she is making dinner. she knows i want to eat healthy so she makes salad usually and maybe grilled vegetables and chicken.
so i have a salad for dinner and SOMETIMES chicken. if she doesnt make this for dinner then i make my own dinner. which is going to be grilled vegetables or something low calorie... yeah..
if i feel full i purge.
if i feel like its going to be ok...i dont...im trying not to...
i told my therapist i havent purged in 2 months she is so happy for me i feel like a fraud..because i have..but i dont binge anymore.. i lose weight very fast in this routine
and i love my mundane routine
i love it
..i think. when i move from this country (i am not in my home country right now) ...i will be so happy. i can drive. i can do all the fun things i cant do over here because its a communist FUCK of a country and i fucking hate it with my entire being. my mom hates it too. she is only here for my dad. she wants to move back with me.
oh well if you kept reading this for the entire thing i thank you..my words actually mean something. but if not its okay it makes me feel better.
you guys are pretty awesome. better than my friends but i bet you hear it alot ;) | | |
| fuck this stupid ass shit of a place, fuck highschool fuck the teachers who think they have the right to tell me im worth nothing
i am in my last 3 weeks of highschool
i didnt do his shitty ass graphic design photoshop tutorial.
from this he told me:
i hope you get your admissions to your top university revoked because you don't deserve it,
youre the kind of person who will die after the age of 60 because once youre in retirement you wont do shit with your life and not even have the motivation to go to the store and get food.
.........
...
why the fuck am i crying so hard right now?
when i started crying infront of him
he laughed at me
fuck this place i cant wait to leave
im losing weight more.
| | |
| Well hey i haven't written for a while, sorry. :(
In the time being (about 3 weeks), i lost about 9 pounds. It's not water weight either, because i worked my fucking ass off, doing about 3 hours of intense exercise a day and about 3 (give or take) of just walking (I have been on break, exploring the city, walking around)...And i don't eat too much either, no appetite. Maybe about 500-600 calories a day. That is the best amount in my opinion because it keep the metabolism going enough that it won't go into starvation mode but not enough to make you gain. It's becoming easier and easier not to eat, it kind of scares me a bit - but then again not really. I am content right now. I am getting smaller. People are noticing. But i look better, i look good even.
However, one rule i do have for myself is that i can have one day where i have one treat. Usually that is Sunday, but whatever it happens to be actually. I do not mean a full on eating fest. This week on Sunday i had half a sandwich and 5 gummy worms. I didn't freak out, or worry, or go puke my brains out. I relaxed, had some tea and hit my bong after.
Speaking of, my bulimia is IN CHECK. Very very very in check. Maybe that is another reason i lost 9 pounds. I think i have puked twice in those three weeks. Coming from about 4 times a day, everyday, down to 2 times in 3 weeks (its taken me about 5 years to get here but, i'm almost there. Almost recovered. I have been intensely trying to recover for about 4 months now. It is my number one priority.)
Anyways, this has been a pretty long post. Thank you if you read.
You all deserve to be happy, and i'm just going to say - if anyone reading this is even remotely thinking about starting to purge their food after eating, just to "try it once or twice" ....don't.
I'm serious. Please don't. I have had this terrible disease for almost 6 years now. 5 of them i wanted to recover, the first I just didn't give a shit i was "happy". Then it slowly started wearing me down, I wanted to stop, but i couldn't. I finally checked myself into a recovery program with the top psychologist in my entire city (I live in one of the biggest cities in the world. She is amazing to say the least, and has a 100% recovery rate after she is finished with the people.) Anyways, finally i'm starting to realize puking won't make you lose weight, it doesn't make you feel better in the long run (only in about the 30 minutes you feel uncomfortable with feeling full)....So if you want to lose weight, stick to restricting and exercise. Nothing else will work.
Perfect. | | |
| EDIT.........
MY THIGHS DON'T TOUCH.........holy shit
i hadnt checked in a month or so.....
and when i put my two feet together,
my thighs don't touch
i can't believe it.
_______________________________________
i am HAPPY. i am on spring break.
i am in my home country, just arrived last night!
gosh i love it here so much...
its weird how just..location, can completely change your mood even when nothing else around changes...
well anyways :) whenever i come home i lose like 5 pounds a WEEK each time.. its so easy to fast here.
well anyways :) my intake so far:
breakfast -
1 mini orange + some grapes
i am planning to have 1 fiber plus bar for lunch - which is 130 calories... kind of a lot but ..it will keep my metabolism going until dinner + make me not hungry.
hmmm.
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